Golf Compendium

Arnold Palmer, Jack Nicklaus and Tiger Woods are standing at the throne of heaven. God looks at them and says, "Before granting you a place at my side, I must ask you what you have learned, what you believe in."

Benjamin the golfer sets off on an around-the-world trip in his new boat, but he winds up veering off course and gets lost. He drifts onto a deserted island, where he is stranded, all alone.

Pedro was looking forward all week to his Saturday round of golf. He was heading to a fancy resort — the type of golf course he didn't normally play. And when the day arrived, he couldn't wait to get there. It also marked a first for Pedro: He'd be using a caddie for the very first time.

Manny and Darvin were two singles who showed up at the golf course on a slow day and were paired together in a twosome. It was the favorite golf course for both, and they were enjoying the round. There was only one problem:

The team of archeologists had been toiling deep in the Amazon jungle for months and months, clearing choking undergrowth away from the faint traces of the great Lost City.

Do you call a mulligan a mulligan, or does your group of golf buddies have a different name for this feature of recreational golf? We golfers have our own slang, in this case starting with "mulligan" itself. Here we'll list many other terms golfers use to mean the same thing.

(For this joke, you can substitute the name(s) of any pro golfer(s) you wish.) The Pope met with his cardinals to discuss a proposal from the prime minister of Israel.

Jose and Johnny are playing a spectacular new golf course built on very scenic terrain — cliffsides and gulleys and ravines. They reach the 6th hole, where Jose slices a ball into a thickly wooded, deep ravine.

Barney and his friend Hector were playing a round of golf with their wives early on a Sunday. It was a four-ball, better-ball format with a little bit of cash on the line.

A married couple is out for their weekly round of golf, enjoying a great day and great play. But on the ninth green, something terrible happens. The wife screams in agony and collapses to the green.

A young man, his father and his grandfather were about to tee off to start their round when an incredibly good-looking woman walked up to the tee box.

Chuck was a popular member at the golf club, but he just finished a terrible round of golf and wasn't in a mood to visit the clubhouse after walking off the 18th green. So he headed straight out to the parking lot and started changing his shoes.

It was a sunny Saturday morning, a little before 8 a.m. I was on the first hole at Tall Maples National Golf Club and beginning my pre-shot routine, when a piercing voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker:

Wayne and Wanda head out to the golf course for a quick nine holes. On the first tee, Wayne turns to Wanda and says, "What do you say we make this time worth something. Play you for $5?" Wanda agrees, and they start their rounds.

Danny was a religious golfer. Every Sunday morning, he headed to the golf course. It didn't matter what the weather was like. It could be raining and 45 degrees, but Danny didn't care. It was off to the course. Every single Sunday morning for years.

Brandon staggered into a hospital emergency room, badly battered and bruised. A nurse and a doctor rushed over to help him to an examining room.

Tom was a man of faith, and a man of the golf course. He played golf every Sunday religiously, but only after attending church services. Tom was getting on in years, and one day after feeling ill, he said to his wife, "I sure hope there is golf in the afterlife. I feel terrible!"

A nun was sitting with her Mother Superior, chatting, when she felt the need to unburden herself: "I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it," the nun said.

Like many recreational golfers, Jason always did one thing before attempting to play a shot over water: He switched to a water ball . He replaced the nice, newer ball he was using with a beat-up, older ball — a golf ball he didn't care about losing if he hit it into the water.

An 80-year-old man moved to a new city and joined a new country club. When he first showed up at the club, a lot of its members looked at him eagerly: an old man, someone we can win some money from!